Preparing For The Unknown

Out Of Utero

I thought it may be useful for me to share how I held myself back from the absolute miracles of the mysteries of life for so long. What I hope to accomplish is to illuminate both this fear and my desire to control everything in my world. I hope to remind us all of what we already know about our Light and our creative spirits.

Fear Was A Motivator

Have you ever been disappointed that things in your life didn’t turn out as you imagined? Has it ever gone completely pear-shaped? One one end of the spectrum is disappointment – on the other, major disaster. I have to say that I was a frightened little creature when I was young. It was often paralysing. In my cellular memory, I can still feel the fear that attempted to suffocate my life source. The ways I tried to manipulate my world placed me further away from the light…the light that was always there to be seen. I was scared of the unknown and unseen. I stayed locked in a dungeon of self-fulfilling prophesies, instead of inspired experiences. Fear was a motivator for all things unseen. The inherent almost inborn fear of the unknown had a wily and stubborn grip.

The Delusional Optimist Verses The Annihilating Pessimist

If I didn’t have an absolute clear understanding or picture of something, I was terrified. I didn’t like not knowing what was around that corner. When I tried to guess or imagine what outcome to expect, I usually made two distinct predictions. They fought tooth and nail, back and forth, driving me to one form of insanity or another!  I “predicted” from the stance of an illusory/fantastical/ego-driven self on one extreme (AKA the delusional optimist), to the impending doom/limiting/ soul-crushing self ( AKA the annihilating pessimist) on the other. Neither were healthy or good or based on any form of reality.  Both had potential to cause disaster across the board.

Stagnation Leading To Death

When I couldn’t control the outcome, or predict the future, I would often times NOT ACT AT ALL. This seemed safest. This caused a withering and wilting of spirit, and was no way to live. It was not living at all.  Hiding out in “safe” self-inflicted malaise, waiting for doomsday to arrive – horrible really. From this safe, contrived prediction comes Stagnation…Paralysis… Death… Stagnation by non action. Stagnation by predictability, conformity, mundane survival with no risk taking. Paralysis born from stagnation. Paralysis leading to death of the Spirit. It became the withering of my soul by withholding its natural desire of creating and connecting to the Divine.

I now passionately fight the very notion of wanting to know what the future holds. Instead I am preparing for the unknown, the unimaginable.  My grandest imagination couldn’t bring about the wildest realities. If I attempt to imagine greatness from the limitations of brain and blood and bone, I am left only with what I started: brain and blood and bone…I want beauty and grace and inspired vision that can only come from above and beyond my finite self. What greatness could I summon from relying on my imagination alone? Figments. That’s all.

Allowing For The Real Adventure

Now I have a bit more understanding of it all. I said “a bit!” When I am in this place of the unknown, I am vulnerable. This very vulnerability is the sprouting seed I need to be open to what’s in store for me. Bigger than me. Bigger than my imagination. Luckily, this vulnerability and unknowing is the ultimate footing, and is the spice and wonderment of life. This allows me to live in a world of that which I cannot control, and that which I do not know. Then comes the real Adventure… Growth… Freedom…

Creative/ Creator/ Creation: A Gift For Humanity

I want real creative input from way beyond my own human condition. I am not discounting the human imagination, I actually think it is vital and essential in preparing for the unknown. But I see it as just that – preparation. A preparation for things unseen and unimagined. I can prepare by developing my skills in life. For instance, from a musicians standpoint I can put some dots on a page, or some words on paper. That is not really creating, though, if I am only creating with known formulas and techniques. The formulas and techniques are a part of the preparation and are valid, but they themselves are not the creation. When I allow creative spirit to guide my life in all creative acts, I begin my adventure. I start to grow, and in this growth I gain freedom.  I let go of thinking it is ME doing the creating. When I allow the art of creation, the end result always astounds me. And in that end result, almost always another creative adventure begins. All this is so much bigger than me. It’s awesome.

If I try to create from an egocentric perspective, filled with expectation and prediction, it will be shrouded in inevitable disappointment, and It will NEVER come out the way it seemed it should. Even that expectation of how I thought it was meant to eventuate would be a  minuscule expression compared to the true majestic wonderment that can only be divinely inspired. True inspiration will always astound and amaze me!

Preparation For The Absolute Wonderment Of Life’s Mysteries

All in all, being human is not the easiest task (well, how should I know what would be easier, but still). It’s daunting to say the least – on top of the challenges of just being human, we have this insatiable desire to DO something significant in life. And look at how many billions of us there are. Then look at how much suffering there is in the world. Look at how much fighting there is always going on.

Then look at the amazing people who actually have creatively changed the world by what they did. Jesus, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, to name only a few who completely changed history forever. The world will never ever be the same because of these spirited people. I am sure they were preparing for the absolute wonderment and mysteries of life, by tapping into the creator, the creation, and the creative spirit inside of themselves.They all had amazing courage, and a brave but softened heart. Because of that conviction and light, they shone – bright as the brightest stars in the sky. We can all shine our light upon the world, if we tap into the light first. It is ordained for us. It is in us. We are part of this creation.

As I Tap Into The Divine Light Of Creation

I’m preparing for surprise.

I’m preparing for excitement.

I’m preparing for  experience.

I’m preparing for challenge.

I’m preparing for humility.

I’m preparing for adventure.

I’m preparing for growth.

I’m preparing for humanity.

I’m preparing for freedom.

I’m preparing for the unknown.

Tear down the walls of my ego, let go of all my expectations, open myself for experiences far beyond my deepest imagination. I am in awe of the wonders of creation, when I can be the observer, the witness to the unfolding. I’m off on another adventure, and another fight for freedom. I am ready to be birthed as my fullest Creative Spirit. I am ready to step into the unknown, equipped with Light and Divine Inspiration…

How ’bout you?

Naked And Unashamed

So if you really saw the true me, would you still think I’m cute/pretty/beautiful (AKA, pruteeful?) I already knew the answer when I was a little person, and it was a big fat NO.

What do we identify as  beautiful? Shouldn’t it be the honest, raw, unaffected self, guts and courage and truth? I got really sick and tired of trying to keep up with the stories I invented to keep everyone “kind of” loving me. I was literally sick from it, in my youth, downing bottle after bottle of whatever I could just to be brave enough to blind myself from seeing any remnant of the true me. As I grew numb, I cared less. A whole lot less. I cared about nothing. I felt nothing. I was free, at a price, in the death of drowning from a bottle of poison. Don’t get me wrong, there were many wonderfully grand times as well, it all depended on the motive behind what I was doing. What was I running from? What was I hiding? Who was I killing? Why did I hate myself so much that I didn’t want to hang out in my own company?

The main point was that my authentic self had been bruised early on. That part was not my fault. It was not your fault either. It was just unlucky.The authentic self of me barely had a chance to form before it was stifled, judged, constrained, criticised. That was enough to stunt the development of authenticity, and breed superficiality and creative role play for survival. A role play game using real people, real feelings, real situations as my actors on my stage. That part was my fault, but I didn’t know it.  I thought that’s what everyone was doing. Weren’t you? I thought that not being authentic was the only real way to stay alive. No one was ever really themselves, because either they didn’t know what that was, or more likely, it had been taught out of them early as it had for me. Or so I thought.

I couldn’t know something was wrong that I thought was real life.  The roles I was playing were real to me. It’s what I thought humans did in order to survive. Maybe some of you did. I just know for a fact that I did. I had to. I had no other choice, and if I did, I didn’t know there were choices. I was just living… Well, surviving.

I did survive, barely. And so did you, barely, and I am sorry that I took you into my green room and kidnapped you, holding you hostage to act in my dramas with me, if you in fact, were actually “living ” and minding your own business and not actually choosing  to be cast in some Teenage Off Off Off Broadway production of mine. I’m sure I owe many of you amends. Please allow me to make them.

I just know that acting and making up fantasies was a heck of a lot easier than being real. It was a heck of a lot safer for me, and I thought that I was being a creative human. I just forgot that I was acting out a drama that was messing up actual lives. Mine not excluded, and yours definitely included. A few black comedies, but I had more aptitude for tragedies unfortunately.

So what is it that made this human so terrified of being seen? Was I living out the story of Adam and Eve? Like Adam and Eve who freely ran naked in the garden until they had the realisation that they were naked, and all of a sudden naked felt shameful. “Naked and  ashamed!” I related to that. I was ashamed for who I was. I always felt naked, and many times ashamed. Society fueled our negative self-image creating ideals of perfection that don’t even exist, dosing us with fast food, fear and consumerism to counteract the shame, perpetuating it on and on ad infinitum. Adam and Eve were awesome, beautiful and  free, and they knew it. Until they didn’t. Until they lost it. Until they thought that they weren’t. Until the enemy inside started lieing to them, placing doubt in their hearts about their authentic selves.  Until they felt that they had to hide from each other, themselves and God (their inner self, their heart, their love).

The enemy inside us affects us in the same way over and over again. Our soul goes to battle, against society’s standards of acceptability, conformity, consumerism, greed, apathy, illusion, delusion, illness, until and not excluding death. It makes us feel we are not even ok, never mind beautiful, awesome or free, the enemy makes us feel that we need to cover up and hide our true selves. Complete Soul Assassination, Spiritual Separation, Self Annihilation. 

Not unlike Eve may have felt, for me the shame game was on. And shame won. Not only was the inside not to be looked at, but the outside needed serious work as well. How could a young girl, with nothing but apparent innocence and beauty only see ugliness? Only hear a monster in her head, and see a terror in the mirror? Naked and ashamed. That was it. Through and through. Shame became the label that I identified myself with. Shame became my badge, and I was waving that flag. Identifying with the image, the actions I took followed and I lived immersed in acting out the lie. The story of my life became a full-scale production, lights, camera, action, an exact reenactment of the first draft when the seed of shame and self-doubt was planted. The seed of the lie. The “not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not rich enough, not cool enough, on and on enough” lie is what ended up ruling my life. It almost ruined my life, it definitely sabotaged my life until I woke up, and realised that I actually wanted LIFE.

I WANTED TO LIVE. Fully embracing all of life, and all the majesty in it, glorified in its jagged perfection of the past, present and future. As it is, unashamed, unapologetic and raw.

So I came to see that my open, honest, courageous truths that I thought were too frightening and ugly to share, in fact have proven to be the most beautiful parts of me.

 No one is cast in my productions anymore, I am not the stage manager, I’m not even an actor at all. I am a warrior for love because I have everything my heart wants, I am love. My spirit is awakened, I’ve heard the calls, and I have a soul on fire.

In its essence, truth is unashamed. Truth is naked… Cinderella, The Ugly Duckling, Pinocchio, Beauty and the Beast, the Princess and the Toad, the stories of so-called ugly misunderstood characters are transformed into beauty, their outward falsities transformed into truth, the ultimate love story that we owe to ourselves. These characters are testament to what is truly beautiful, when they were to be truly witnessed as their hearts were all along.

So, real beauty does exist, in its ultimate truth, the surrendered heart in its ultimate nakedness, baring all…

And I saw myself naked.

And I accepted the ugly beauty that I am.

And I told myself my truth, and became a real person. 

And I learned to love myself as I am. The jagged, raw, honest, naked and unashamed princess that all true fairy tales are made of.